So the other night, after everyone went to bed, something DRAMATIC happened!!! Did I get your attention? Good. Here we go…

I was doing my nightly ritual of starring at my bedroom wall, when suddenly, amidst my wall contemplation, I heard running across the roof! Chaos then ensued as Fiesty and Supermom started shouting “Theif! Get off our roof! Go get a shirt!” And then everyone started yelling.

(I’ll be honest. It took me a few seconds to translate things in my head. My first thought was that Moneybags had somehow fallen out of the house because he was plastered when he went to bed. Then I heard them saying “thief” which sounds a lot like grandchild so I thought the grandchildren were on the roof. After a few seconds I realized I was wrong on both accounts.)

Apparently, there were thieves at our house! Naturally, I went outside to see what was up.

The first thing I saw was Hats walking around with her flashlight and carrying a big stick. I have no idea how she got downstairs so fast. There was maybe a 20 second delay between the start of the yelling and me going outside. My room was much closer to the event than Hats’ room, but still she beat me. How did she do it? My first thought would be that she jumped out the second story window, but then there are bars on the window so that couldn’t have been it. My second thought, and most likely scenario, is that she apparated down from the house.

So Hats was running around with a stick saying “Where did they go!? I’m going to hit them! They were in my kitchen! On my house!” She then stomped off into the woods looking for the men.

I also saw Muscles and Awesome walking around the house making sure there weren’t any more thieves, but they didn’t seem too concerned. Moneybags never even went outside. He was just looking out the second story window with his flashlight saying, “Well, they’re gone. We should all go back to sleep now.”

Back to sleep?! Is he crazy?!

Feisty was still busy yelling and telling everyone within hearing distance what happened. She was also looking out an upstairs window, but apparently the thief had been right outside her window so she felt the need to repeat the story over and over. So here is how the conversation went:

Me: What happened?

Feisty: There were 2 men on the roof! They weren’t wearing shirts! They had knives! I didn’t know them.

Me: Oh no! They had knives?

Feisty: Yes! They were on the roof right outside my window. They weren’t wearing shirts. I didn’t know them!

Then Hats came back and asked,

Hats: What happened?

Feisty: There were 2 men on the roof! They weren’t wearing shirts! They had knives! I didn’t know them.

Hats: What were they doing?

Feisty: They weren’t wearing shirts! I didn’t know them!

Me: Yea. I think we got those two points.

Feisty: I saw them and told them to go away and get a shirt!

Geez, what is with her obsession with the shirts? Two men just tried to rob us and she can’t get over the fact that they were shirtless?

Me: What did they want?

Feisty: They wanted the outside light bulb! That’s why they had knives! They wanted to cut out the light bulb!

….

Everyone stared at Feisty.

Me: What? Why wouldn’t they just unscrew the light bulb?

Fesity: Because they’re thieves and they weren’t wearing shirts!

Hats: Child, you’re stupid. Of course, they were here to steal our money.

Awesome: I think they wanted to steal our motos.

Me: That’s dumb. There aren’t motos on the roof.

Muscles: Maybe they wanted the t.v.?

Moneybags: Can’t we all just go back to sleep?!?

Me: But what if the thieves come back?

Hats: Oh they’re not coming back. They’re afraid I’ll kill them. I’ll hit them so hard they might die.

With that everyone went back to bed. Who would’ve thought Hats would be so territorial?

The best part of the all this was that No-Clothes, who sleeps outside to prevent things like this from happening, SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE THING. We were all yelling and running around him and he didn’t stir. Hats even kicked him and called him lazy and still, nothing.

I would say the thieves made a poor decision in the selection of houses to rob. There are 11 people who live in my tiny house. It’s pretty much impossible to break in without somebody hearing something. Better luck next house.

*In Moneybags defense, he was still pretty drunk when all this went down. He probably would’ve been more aggressive had he been thinking clearly.

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